Heathway

I had the most amazing thing happen today.  I was out hiking on my lunch hour and I thought that since I had so much to get done that I should jog back; which I’ve never really done before.  The only time I’ve ever tried running before was in the gym on the treadmill and my knees always killed me and it was NOT fun.

  The trail is really sandy (since we haven’t had any precipitation since sometime BC). It was easier than I thought and I got that feeling, that feeling of euphoria that I used to have when I was cycling.  It was such a rush and I ran the entire way back.  So, I guess it wasn’t the actual action of cycling that made me feel so good — maybe it’s just the only thing that got my heart rate up high enough.  I don’t know if I’m really on to something or if it was just a fluke.  But I want to find out!

I posted a few days ago that I was glad that I was injured because it forced me to take a look at the way that I was using food, not for nourishment which is what it is intended for, but rather to make myself feel better - as an addiction. Then I was grateful. Not today, today I am just pissed that one more thing is going to be taken from me (God willing).

I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I don’t abuse prescription pills, the economy is too bad for me to use retail therapy and I don’t gamble. The only vice I currently overindulge in is food and I use it just like any addict would use their substance of choice, so that I don’t have to deal with whatever is bothering me or to “take the edge off”. So, I woke up this morning saying “what next”! I know that if I can learn to deal with this, I will be much happier and healthier, but I don’t want to and I resent that I have to. And, it is going to take effort, it’s not going to be a oh, now I know better, I won’t do it any more moment. It is going to take constant vigilance, awareness and action. Which, I am going to commit to doing right now. But, I’m still pissed!

For a long time I have been deeply disappointed in my body for betraying me and making it impossible for me to continue to work out at the same intensity I once did.  I keep my weight down by putting in hours of daily exercise and when I hurt my neck I could no longer do that.  This has forced me to take a good hard look at what I do with food and actually eating to nurish myself is probably dead last on that list.  I use it for comfort and solace, to avoid looking at things that are bothering me and doing anything about them, as an excuse to do or not to do something…….but actually using it for it’s intended purpose? never!

 If I hadn’t gotten hurt, I never would have found this site.  I never would have realized that there are thousands of us doing the same thing.  I never would have known that through friends traveling the same path that I could learn a better and healthier way to live.  So, yeah, I’m kinda, sorta, glad it happened

Yesterday I received the devastating news that a dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with a very aggressive form of uterine cancer.  Her doctors believe that it is localized and if they operate that they might be able to get all of it.  However, the even more horrible news is that they are very reluctant to operate because they don’t believe she will survive the operation because she is morbidly obese.  She’s been on oxygen for a number of years and her heart is not working as well as it should. 

I know that sometimes that I feel when I don’t eat right and don’t exercise that I am the only one that I am hurting.  After all, I’m the one that hears the whispers “boy, she’s put on a lot of weight” or the one who has to try and squeeze into a pair of pant that fit two weeks ago.  But in hearing this news, I realized that when we don’t take good care of ourselves, everyone that we touch in our lives suffers.

I am desperately hoping for good news when my friend visits the cardiologist because having her gone will leave such a hole in my life and the lives of all her friends & family.  Selfishly, I do not want to have to watch her in pain and watching the horrendous death that cancer brings.  I am praying for everyone one of us who struggles trying to become fit and healthy.

Last night I was so stressed from watching the stock market fall, my company’s impending layoffs, soccer, homework, baths, reading etc……….. that I decided not to do my usual routine of logging in here before bed.  I log in here to get regenerated by all the others struggling daily with the same problems I have.  Knowing that I am not along is so comforting.  However, last night I was to BUSY to take care of myself and I woke up at 2:00 am completely stymied as to how I was going to solve the world’s problems.  So, I did what I always do when I feel powerless, I ate.  Anything and everything that had carbs and sugar. 

This morning I awoke feeling totally humiliated but also thinking, I know a better way.  I can publicly admit what I’ve done which takes the power out of the secret and I can recommit to doing what I know works.  I appreciate the lesson.

I did something I’ve never done before…I went to lunch with a girlfriend and I actually took half of my meal home. I’ve heard this be suggested before, since restaurant portions are so large but I’ve never been able to do until today. Before, I would always finish everything regardless of whether I was hungry or not! The key, I think, was before I went to lunch I logged into this site, got fortified and encouraged and then I was able to not gorge.

The only thing that I have done differently in the past 3 days is that I have not binged in the evenings.  I’ve eaten when I’ve been hungry but just to the point of being full.  That has to be a testament to how many calories I must have been injesting when I was stuffing myself. 

Every evening at about 8 pm I’ve been going on this site and reading/writing and this has just heightened my level of awareness of what I was doing.  Last night at about midnight I found myself in my kitchen with a bag of pretzels in my hand and ready/willing to finish them off and then I thought “if I binge, I’m going to have to write about it and let people know what I’ve done” so I put the pretzels back and went back to bed!

 Strangely, I showed my blog to my husband and he said “but you don’t do that” refering to binge eating .  That is how secretive I’ve been when I’m doing it that he wasn’t even aware.  I don’t know where he thought all the weight was coming from?

I started reading the “letting go of binge eating that was started Tatiana many, many months ago and I was mesmerized.  I couldn’t believe how comforted it made me feel that others dealt with trying not to binge on a daily basis just like me!  I made myself a deal that before I would give myself permission to binge again I would go on that thread and admit it.  That and the realization of triggers and emotions that leads to a binge enabled me not to, just that day, and then the day after and the following day.  I realized that it was not what I was eating but rather how I was eating that was the problem.  When I am binging I don’t even taste what I am putting in my mouth I am just stuffing myself to feel “better”. 

When Tatiana said “every bite is a choice” it really struck a chord for me.  Because just like an alcoholic, it is the first bite of a binge that starts it and I don’t know how long it will be before I stop.  A day, several days, weeks, months…………?????

Hi, I’m Heather and I’m 45, married with 3 children, 21, 18 & 5. I have been struggling with my weight most of my life. I have always been very active so for the most part I’ve kept ahead of it by exercising religiously. However, at 40, I became pregnant with my last (and final) child and I gave myself permission to eat voraciously and I gained 40lbs. He’s now 5 and weighs today, exactly what I gained while I was pregnant! After having him I continued to put on lbs until I made it all the way to 184. I had excuses up the you know what, I was tired after being up multiple time with a new baby, I couldn’t get away to exercise blah, blah, blah.

Then 2 years ago, I tabled all my excuses and started over, and lost all 40+ lbs with a combination of the Atkins diet and strenuous exercise. I was doing at that time 2 1/2 hours per day. 2 hours of cardio and 1/2 hour of weight lifting 5-7 days a week. I was cycyling for most of the cardio and running on the treadmill if the weather was bad. Then………….I injured my spine and was completely incapacitated for months. The weight started coming back on because I was no longer exercising for hours and the more weight I gained, the more awful I felt and the more I ate and the more I gained. I finally had surgery 3 months ago but I have gained back 20+ of the 40 I orginally lost. And, to add insult to injury, I cannot cycle (which I love passionately) right now because it is excruciatingly painful to hold my neck in that position. I’m having a tough time getting excited about walking or going to the gym because I just don’t enjoy and look forward to those activities like I did cycling.

I’m starting this blog because I must become accountable most of all to myself….. no more excuses. I can be fit by modifying my excercises to something that I can comfortably do today and I can be a healthy weight by not eating exccesively. I’m a serious nighttime binge eater, I love to have everyone go to bed and I stay up and raid the refrigerator and watch reruns of Desperate Housewives!